God has a mission for me!

 I've been doing a lot of work on myself and my relationship with God along with my relationships with others. 

As part of my anxious attachment and Codependency- I get to a point in every relationship, romantic or otherwise, where I get to the non-trusting point and very attached, unable to detach and disconnect. 

In the romantic relationships, I don't trust the person even for small things, I latch on tightly due to the no trust, and it pushes the guy away. I first start out with an emotionally unavailable guy to begin with anyways.. so when he runs away and pushes away- its emotionally traumatic for me because it's like my life cant go on.. I'm addicted to the relationship, falling in love fast, and I'm mistaken as a romantic- but really that is codependent. I'm not sure how to make a real secure attachment and secure relationship- wouldn't even know how to begin? 

When thinking about Chris specifically, as an Antisocial personality disorder- Sociopath- he loved me to the capacity that he could. He can't love me anymore because it is not in his dismissive avoidant ASPD personality. He did the best he could with the time and ability he had- it's like he thought "if I could have any relationship work with anyone, this girl would be it". Then when it didn't work- he knows relationships don't work for him. (As they usually don't for ASPD people) He knows something is wrong he just doesn't know what and I don't think he has the motivation to figure it out. I think I was the most motivating piece to his life- and now that I'm gone he said he is "spinning" which is him not knowing what to do with himself now that we are over. 

He comes back and forth- some times is nice, some times is not nice. Some times he cares about the kids, some times he doesn't.. it is hurtful but I'm working on learning how to not let his attitude affect me. I've had several times recently that he went on a bender- didn't ask about the kids, didn't see us or the kids, was unresponsive, and didn't pay me his weekly money- that I let it really affect me. I have to work on separating from that and not letting his benders cause me turmoil within myself and to get upset- that is the codependancy part. 

I am not sure how long he didn't love me- there is no point in going down that barrel roll - but I sometimes can't help but think about it and wonder when did him loving me stop- I know that life changed and he got angrier and not as nice or loving.. but there was a time when he was nicer and he would be more excited to be with me.. he was never super excited.. but I just thought "he's a guy". 

I also have come to accept that I fit him into my mold that I wanted. I wanted a guy that I could marry and realistically have kids with and grow old with.. unfortunately he was the guy I was spending my time with during that age when you get married and start having kids.. so even though he was not a good fit for any of the things I wanted or needed, he was good for then for me. He was not Mr Right in any sense of the word. He played a part and he is such a good liar as an ASPD that he could just fake it and lie for a long time until he couldn't do the lies anymore. I try not to get upset when I think about that- I try not to get down on myself when I think about whether he ever loved me at all or if it was all a lie. 

Looking back, it is so crucial to be picky with your picker when you're young- so you choose the right guy for forever. I think that is why so many people are getting divorced and separating in their late 30s, early 40s.. they chose the wrong person at a time that they wanted to get married- not realizing the most important pieces of marriage. Also- people change, and they don't change together. In this case- I changed in that I had kids, I grew up .. he didn't grow up and he stayed the same immature traumatized boy that he has always been. He has no capability of growing up, not unless he figures out his trauma and how to get past it.. but he has a personality disorder and you don't usually change that. 

I am sure that God had his reasons for putting Chris in my life and the 2 of us being together and having our children. I don't know what his reasons are just as we never do, but I know that he pulled me out just in the knick of time before I was overtaken by the Devil to where I was too fargone and couldn't come back from addiction or whatever else I have been enduring. 

I know that my Dad died a year before I met Chris and I met Chris on a journey that was not God filled.. for the first time in my life I went from wanting to have a better relationship with God to partying with a party crowd and getting moved away by the Devil. I found the Lord again being  in 2008-09, went to a church and was working on my relationship with him. I was so strong in my faith, love for myself, and my confidence- that that is when I attracted Chris and he made his move. I was all a flutter very quickly because of that whole codependecny thing- falling fast and hard and addicted to relationships. This was the Devil tempting me and pulling me away because I was new in the faith. He had his grasp on Chris so strongly, and he brought me over to his side through my relationship. He had a grasp on me for 14 years- then I saw the light, I saw God was winning the war over my soul and eventually got me away from the Devil's grasp. "If you fight the Devil in the dark, you will get your butt kicked" I was definitely getting my butt kicked!! . 

   I am going to a new nondenominational church and already in just 3 weeks I see the difference in the way my children talk about God. Bryson started singing my "God songs" in the car and has been excited about having the Holy Spirit inside of him when coming out of his "Church school". Victoria is a little more leery, but she finally as excited about my God songs instead of fighting against them. If anything, God moved me to bring these children into a place where they can know him and learn about him and his goodness... They WILL know him and love him- they will learn to have a loving and wonderful relationship with God. I'm blessed and happy that this journey of my life has landed me here.. Who knows what the future holds with our journey with God and our relationship with him? Maybe it is to teach their dad about him, their big sister, a friend down the road.. only God knows- but we will become his powerful force out in the world.