Finding myself again

 I am codependent. I am addicted to codependency and dysfunctional relationships. wound ourselves- it allows people to survive physically but leaves them feeling dead and empty inside.   Codependency is a defense system that causes us to  I remember when I met Josh and his family that I thrived on his family's chaos. His family had all the chaos that none of mine did.  We had it, we just didn't talk about it.  Codependency  comes from an emotionally abusive environment with a narcissist being abusive, emotionally dishonest , when you are a young child. I didn't have the chance to learn to be emotionally honest or emotionally healthy? I didn't have that. We had to make my mom happy all the time- if we did something that made her unhappy we knew it and learned our lesson- she was "so disappointed in us". She was passive aggressive, didn't encourage us to show our feelings and emotions, and may have been a codependent herself which is why she had an inten...

3 insecure attachment styles:  My Attachment style: Anxious- Preoccupied My youth:  Conditioned to us between 0-2 years old : this is when the attachment style is created/developed  grows up with a lot of warmth and care, but Core wounds,: I will be abandoned (I will abandon myself in order to please others) , I will be alone, I will be excluded, disliked, rejected, not good enough, not safe ; Trigger: when people pull away  Core needs: reassurance, validation, encouragement, support,  to be seen and heard certainty, and consistency. In order to heal: I need to repetitively give this stuff to myself now, by giving those things to myself I learn to self-soothe  Abandonment wounds, panic when partner pulls away- this pushes people away ; struggle with getting people to commit and stick around.  Don't communicate feelings, show emotions It's so difficult to self soothe, try to maintain closeness with others and physical touch is a primary love language....

 This past week he has come to the house every night to spend the night and stay. It felt like we were a married couple again, watching tv , sleeping in the same bed, and getting the kids ready for school. He only was coming b.c. he had nowhere else to stay. In the 6 weeks we've been separated he has not found another place to stay or live, I'm still paying for his car insurance and phone, and all his things are still here. He comes here and sleeps, we make love, and he leaves.. he comes and goes as he pleases doesn't say "I love you" and treats it like a hookup. I found this week that I was really hurting during the days when he wasn't here because with him being here in the evenings it was making me second guess the divorce.. It was making me question if I really needed to be separated from him. I miss him so much and I miss being a family- we are so good together and I'm not going to find another man that I have as long of a connection with .  I get sad...

 Today I am mad.  I'm mad that he abandoned us, walked away, gave up.  I'm mad that he isn't here to put his daughter to bed on the night before her first day of preschool.  I'm mad that he just ran away from responsibilities and being a grown up.  I'm mad that he gave up on me, our love, and our life together.  I'm mad that he gave up when the going got tough.  I'm mad that he didn't call his kids when they asked him to call.  I'm mad that he spends all his money on himself instead of on the family or me.  I'm mad that he cares so much about himself that there is no room to care for the rest of us.  I'm mad that he thought the best way to solve our relationship struggles was to internalize it, not share it, and fight it out inside himself.  I'm mad that we are not and have not been his priority.  I'm mad that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  I'm mad that he doesn't care enough about us to stay.  I'm mad...