Finding myself again

 I am codependent. I am addicted to codependency and dysfunctional relationships. wound ourselves- it allows people to survive physically but leaves them feeling dead and empty inside.   Codependency is a defense system that causes us to  I remember when I met Josh and his family that I thrived on his family's chaos. His family had all the chaos that none of mine did.  We had it, we just didn't talk about it.  Codependency  comes from an emotionally abusive environment with a narcissist being abusive, emotionally dishonest , when you are a young child. I didn't have the chance to learn to be emotionally honest or emotionally healthy? I didn't have that. We had to make my mom happy all the time- if we did something that made her unhappy we knew it and learned our lesson- she was "so disappointed in us". She was passive aggressive, didn't encourage us to show our feelings and emotions, and may have been a codependent herself which is why she had an inten...

3 insecure attachment styles:  My Attachment style: Anxious- Preoccupied My youth:  Conditioned to us between 0-2 years old : this is when the attachment style is created/developed  grows up with a lot of warmth and care, but Core wounds,: I will be abandoned (I will abandon myself in order to please others) , I will be alone, I will be excluded, disliked, rejected, not good enough, not safe ; Trigger: when people pull away  Core needs: reassurance, validation, encouragement, support,  to be seen and heard certainty, and consistency. In order to heal: I need to repetitively give this stuff to myself now, by giving those things to myself I learn to self-soothe  Abandonment wounds, panic when partner pulls away- this pushes people away ; struggle with getting people to commit and stick around.  Don't communicate feelings, show emotions It's so difficult to self soothe, try to maintain closeness with others and physical touch is a primary love language....

 This past week he has come to the house every night to spend the night and stay. It felt like we were a married couple again, watching tv , sleeping in the same bed, and getting the kids ready for school. He only was coming b.c. he had nowhere else to stay. In the 6 weeks we've been separated he has not found another place to stay or live, I'm still paying for his car insurance and phone, and all his things are still here. He comes here and sleeps, we make love, and he leaves.. he comes and goes as he pleases doesn't say "I love you" and treats it like a hookup. I found this week that I was really hurting during the days when he wasn't here because with him being here in the evenings it was making me second guess the divorce.. It was making me question if I really needed to be separated from him. I miss him so much and I miss being a family- we are so good together and I'm not going to find another man that I have as long of a connection with .  I get sad...

 Today I am mad.  I'm mad that he abandoned us, walked away, gave up.  I'm mad that he isn't here to put his daughter to bed on the night before her first day of preschool.  I'm mad that he just ran away from responsibilities and being a grown up.  I'm mad that he gave up on me, our love, and our life together.  I'm mad that he gave up when the going got tough.  I'm mad that he didn't call his kids when they asked him to call.  I'm mad that he spends all his money on himself instead of on the family or me.  I'm mad that he cares so much about himself that there is no room to care for the rest of us.  I'm mad that he thought the best way to solve our relationship struggles was to internalize it, not share it, and fight it out inside himself.  I'm mad that we are not and have not been his priority.  I'm mad that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  I'm mad that he doesn't care enough about us to stay.  I'm mad...

 I did the quiz on Attachmentproject.com and discovered that I'm an Anxious/preoccupied style of attachment. During the quiz I answered questions about my mom, dad, and Chris.  During which, I cried a good bit remembering how it felt like my dad always defended me and supported me against my siblings and mom who seemed to be making fun of me. or at least it felt that way.  My dad died and I felt really abandoned ... I thought for a long time that no one would understand me or support and defend me.  My result is that I'm Anxious/preoccupied.  What does it mean to be anxious/preoccupied? The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is one of the three insecure forms of attachment (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized). The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is characterized by: An inconsistent formative period which leads to low self-esteem and low self worth. Constant need for external validation and reassurance from others in an attempt to prove themselves worthy ...

" Dr Jekyll is  a kind, well-respected and intelligent scientist who meddles with the darker side of science, as he wants to bring out his 'second' nature . He does this through transforming himself into Mr Hyde - his evil alter ego who doesn't repent or accept responsibility for his evil crimes and ways." They even knew back then in the 1880s that there were dualistic personalities that were totally polar opposites.   Today I experienced the Person, not the addict. Dr. Jekyl. He was cooperative, informative, sent me pictures and updates about the kids, and didn't sleep until 5pm on the couch while my 3 year old watched tv all day long. (She still watched tv all day long.. just not while he was sleeping the whole time..)  Just yesterday he was the cold hearted and mean addict who abandoned his family. Today- the Person. It's too much flip flopping. It's just too much. I have to shield my kids from this behavior- even if I have to lie to protect them . ...