Dr. Jekyl, Mr. Hyde

"Dr Jekyll is a kind, well-respected and intelligent scientist who meddles with the darker side of science, as he wants to bring out his 'second' nature. He does this through transforming himself into Mr Hyde - his evil alter ego who doesn't repent or accept responsibility for his evil crimes and ways." They even knew back then in the 1880s that there were dualistic personalities that were totally polar opposites. 

 Today I experienced the Person, not the addict. Dr. Jekyl. He was cooperative, informative, sent me pictures and updates about the kids, and didn't sleep until 5pm on the couch while my 3 year old watched tv all day long. (She still watched tv all day long.. just not while he was sleeping the whole time..) 

Just yesterday he was the cold hearted and mean addict who abandoned his family. Today- the Person. It's too much flip flopping. It's just too much. I have to shield my kids from this behavior- even if I have to lie to protect them .

I asked him what his plan for getting off my car insurance and phone were. 

That is when I find out. Not lots of details.. the bare minimum but still enough to understand a little why Mr. Hyde was the guy I was seeing this past weekend. 

He is already not working- He is out of work for failing his DOT physical from a heart defect he had years ago. A minor heart defect that wasn't supposed to be a problem or become one- but- Cocaine is not a heart healthy drug. He has been using it heavily for at least 3-5 years that I've found out about- who knows what the real truth on timing is. He has to see a specialist to see what is going on and then he will be able to repass the DOT physical and then he will be able to go back to work... but he is out for the time being. Which means no money, no support for me, no place to live, no moving forward. We are at a standstill. 

I'm confident he was doing his drug binge all weekend- so I'm sure he blew what money he had left on all the drugs he consumed this weekend in a fit of anger and despair about the being out of work. This means he will have no support for the kids this week- or for who knows how long. 

I already am sinking back into my addiction to him and helping him. I offered him to hang at my house during the days with the kids since he is off work. I'm sure he doesn't want to do that but he probably needs a place to go during the day and a comfy couch to laze around on while Joey is at work. Plus he can't go do drugs because he doesn't have money. I did not say he could stay the night or stay with me while he figures stuff out.. but I'm going down the road of enabling and "helping" and fixing his problems.. I don't know why I can't just be mean and cold back so that he hits rock bottom and asks for help then actually gets it. 

I struggle with what the difference between helping and enabling is.. Well, Enabling is doing something for a person that they can do themselves.. it''s hard for me to distinguish in this scenario- either because I love the Person, or I'm so used to helping, or I want to make excuses and say that since we are still married this is his house so he can stay until his medical issues go away. But that is crazy- how will he hit rock bottom if he has a warm bed to sleep in, and warm meals to eat? Also, I'm so delusional that I keep thinking "this is something he can't do on his own- so he needs my help". 

But he CAN. He CAN handle this on his own.. He has chosen not to. He has worked a whole month and gotten enough money to move into an apartment or room- he chose not to spend his money on that- but instead drugs and who knows what else.

Yet, I am going to allow him to come around my house, my kids, my bed whenever he feels like it and when he feels up to it because I haven't gotten rid of my co-dependency. My feelings that I need to help him and fix him.. Maybe if I help him this time he will appreciate it and then decide to get better? Yea right!!