Boundaries- The Devil was trying to grab me again!

 This past week he has come to the house every night to spend the night and stay. It felt like we were a married couple again, watching tv , sleeping in the same bed, and getting the kids ready for school. He only was coming b.c. he had nowhere else to stay. In the 6 weeks we've been separated he has not found another place to stay or live, I'm still paying for his car insurance and phone, and all his things are still here. He comes here and sleeps, we make love, and he leaves.. he comes and goes as he pleases doesn't say "I love you" and treats it like a hookup. I found this week that I was really hurting during the days when he wasn't here because with him being here in the evenings it was making me second guess the divorce.. It was making me question if I really needed to be separated from him. I miss him so much and I miss being a family- we are so good together and I'm not going to find another man that I have as long of a connection with . 

I get sad when I think about how we will never travel as a family again. I get sad thinking about how we won't go to the mall shopping together or eat dinner together.. all the different memories that we have made together are now just memories and we won't be doing those things again. 

This week he has been the person, not the addict. He has been nice and friendly- talkative with me even. We had a nice long talk the other day and he still is holding true to not having had feelings for me for awhile but he thinks it is because he was lying to me for so long that it made him separated and detached from me.. this is true, you can't feel close to someone when you are being deceitful and placing other priorities above her. 

After all the work I've been doing, I fell 2 steps back this week into despair for him. I was being pulled back into his alluring trap- whether he wanted me to be pulled or not. (I'm sure he did want me to be pulled and manipulated-that is part of his nature.) In my counseling session - it changed everything for me. 

It's ok to feel 2 ways: I can feel sad that I'm mourning the loss of what I thought we would have together. I'm mourning the person I thought he had the potential to become. I'm sad that we won't make memories together or fulfill our dreams together in the future. I can also feel hope for my future and what is yet to come; strength for healing myself and becoming who I need to be. Stronger. 

- Why would I let him stay and not hold any boundaries even though I know the boundaries I should have in my head? I'm afraid that by placing up boundaries I will really lose him and he will be gone for good at that point. 

- How do I see my best relationship? Was this my best relationship? What do I want for myself for my future? - I don't want the relationship I've had. I want a best friend who is really my best friend.. who spends time with me, not always wishing he were somewhere else when he is with me. I want an intimate partner that doesn't have to run off every week and stay out as late as possible. I want someone that puts me first instead of other things or people. someone who doesn't lie to me but is totally open and honest with me, someone that is trustworthy- to be trusted with my heart. 

This ideal relationship is totally achievable - it exists for others- I see it in Eli's parents and their love for each other. Todd walks Jen out to the car every morning, gives her a kiss goodbye, tells her he loves her and he will see her soon.. This small moment of thoughtfulness is what I want in a relationship.. someone who thinks and cares about me and our love for each other. Being intentional. 

In order to get to that relationship, I must heal from this one first.. I have to move on and cut him lose so that I am free to work on myself, my own boundaries, what I want in life and in a relationship. If I am still tethered to him then I will not be free and available for when that ideal relationship comes along.. My ideal relationship is totally achievable, I just have to be prepared for it. 

He has a personality disorder, he will not change, he will not become the man I want to be married to and spend my life with. It's like he knew it and self prophecy- fulfilled it. So the relationship that I want in my life that is totally achievable- will not be fulfilled by him.. he won't be able to meet my needs that I have and desire. 

I look at this and think the Devil was coming back into my life this week and trying again to pull me to his side.. God won that battle yet again! By the end of the week I am determined hold to the boundaries I have created for myself in my head.. 

When he asks if he can stay here again, I will simply say, " We are divorcing. In order to heal from this relationship and move onto who I need to be, you can not sleep here with me." and then I need to follow through, keep the boundary, and not be fearful of his answer or leaving me- he has already left me, by me allowing him to stay is me desperately grasping at straws to keep him connected to me. But if I'm connected to him, I can't be free to connect to another. 

It's a lot of work but I feel more at peace now when I think about it than I did before.. something about realizing I need to be released from him in order to be free to meet another , the one that could be the one for me.. 

The Devil was trying to grab me again, he was almost successful, but God won this battle again.