How to heal from a relationship with an addict?

How to heal from a relationship with an addict? 

I have PTSD and have shrapnel. This is how to dig the shrapnel out: 

The wounds that are left behind and the recovery plan to help me be happy healthy and ready to move forward. 

CISTER: the shrapnel that was left behind. The Deep 6 wounds that are left behind. 

C- Control 

I have turned into a control freak and worried about the recovery, stalking about the recovery, scheduling, paying for things, taking care of everything. 

To heal I need to Live in the middle way- my sweet spot - between what I can control and what I can't control. What is my stuff and what is your stuff? 

There are certain things I have no control of- like the addiction, his choices. 

There are certain things I DO have control over: like my reactions and what I say. My involvement in the recovery. 

Look at my control issues? How do they show up for me? 

It is not easy to get control of this. 

I- Identity

I have an identity crisis and I have forgotten who I am. 

I have been whoever I needed to be:

A treatment center, a halfway house, a prison guard, a warden, a sponsor, a therapist. 

I've been everything but a WIFE. 

I can't be a prophet in my own land. 

I need to know how to be a wife. 

My whole life has started to revolve around this person and I have lost my sense of self. I either stay quiet or talk about my husband and our relationship. 

I'm on the internet looking up addiction- not stuff for ME! 

Excavate the TRUE ME! 

Who am I? Who have I become? 

Angry, depressed, anxious- that is not me! 

My life is a play- everyone plays a part. Sometimes roles that I give people need to be recast. 

S-Self Esteem

I make up stories about his use and how it is my fault...

I internalize his addiction. 

If I was enough, he would quit and pick me. 

If he loved me enough, he would quit and pick me.. 

What is wrong with me? 

Radical compassion for the person doing this to me but it's chipping away at me every single day. 

Self esteem isn't a feeling. It's about doing things that are esteemable. 

I behave my way into feeling better. 

T- Trust Issues 

I can't trust anyone. 

I can't trust a word that comes out of his mouth. 

I keep getting disappointed over and over again

"Do not listen to what people say, WATCH what they do." 

for the 1st year of recovery, never listen to a word he says. 

I'm not going to live my life on a hope and a prayer. Faith gets me through the reality. 

Embrace the reality. 

How to trust myself? I've been gaslit out of my best ideas, I'm not seeing what i'm seeing, am I crazy? 

I've talked myself out of my own intuition. 

We don't want it to be true- we override our best ideas. 

I don't want to see the truth of what is going on. 

E- Emotions. 

I've been walking on eggshells. 

If I say the wrong thing then I will push him over the edge. 

I can't share my real feelings because then it will make him use. 

find the middle way- use emotions to fuel the way to know what to do- but don't live there in the emotions. 

I have to learn to manage my emotions and learn to recognize them. 

Learn to express my emotions 

My loved one is getting better or not getting better. It doesn't matter. 

I can't go to the source of my pain to fix my pain. He caused it! I have to go outside the person who hurt me to manage my emotions and process my emotions and set myself free! 

R- Responsibilty 

It is either: Overly responsible OR No accountability 

I am over responsible. 

I am a fixer. 

Fixers have to have a victim or they dont feel their value, their purpose in the world. 

Fixers pick people to rescue so I can feel fulfilled. 

What is my responsibility and what is his?