The WORST DAY

 July 26th, 2024

Today was the WORST day. My husband broke up with me through an actual text message and I saw him for who he is. I saw him for the addict that he is and realized the man that I thought that I married is no longer there. Was he ever there? I don't know.. it was all a lie. How much was a lie? I don't even know. 

It's been building for awhile but I've been doing everything in my power to deny the reality of the situation and keep it all going - keep our marriage and family floating. I didn't really know what was going on beneath his surface- beneath all the lies of who he truly is. 

Last night I saw the bank account- I saw all the money that had been blown on drugs in just the past year alone. I saw the money spent on sex sites, at poker rooms, and large amounts just gone- down the drain. I didn't see a dime of it. Not one dinner date, not one movie, not one thing of flowers. All while I was busy having cancer, raising his chiledren, and breastfeeding his baby..

When I asked him about some of the discrepancy in the purchases, it's like he knew the jig was up- he knew it was time to move on from me and onto the next girl. He realized I'd seen the truth and there was no going back. He took it out on me though of course- the vicious words he threw at me were like he'd not just spent 14 years being the love of my life and building a life with me. 

"Fuck your conversation.. you got what you're looking for. You got problems now"

"You don't fucking trust me that's why you're looking through my accounts, not for checks or whatever, you don't trust me so I'll make it easy for you. I won't be around and you don't have to worry about fucking trusting me"

"Fuck no, I have nothing to say to you" 

"It's been broken, dummy. you just can't admit it, what's the fucking point???" 

"Now's the time to get a lawyer. I'm getting one" 

"It's been broken for awhile, I was just too much of a pussy to admit it." 

Nothing he could ever say to me in person. It's always like this.. he always starts a fight in text message with me, blows me off, makes me think that it's my fault for being mad and overbearing, then blows me off to go hang out with his friends and do drugs while I sit at home with the kids worrying about whether he is going to make it home that night- wondering if he will make it out of the drug binge alive and not overdose. 

"I'm not living like this anymore," he says.. Well I'm not living like this anymore either.. the line has been drawn in the sand for me and there is no going back . The veil has been lifted off my eyes and I can't unsee what I've just seen..and you can NOT talk to me like that. It's disrespectful, rude, unloving, and totally abusive. 

It took me so long to get here- but I'm finally here. FINALLY. 

I spent the morning crying. Crying because he has broken up with me once before- 12 years ago- and he doesn't do this break up thing lightly.. when he says it, he means it and there is no going back. So at first I'm crying because I think he really means it and there is no going back - there is no calming him down this time. I'm crying because he is so mean and talks to me so meanly and disrespectfully. I'm crying because I know deep down and in my heart- that it is truly over, forever, and I can't ever go back. This is the end. 

Later in the day, I ask him if he is coming home. "at some point" because his things are here. Tells me to get a lawyer-  then doesn't come back to the house for 2 days. He was too busy snorting coke and partying with his drug besties. He is gone for good and there is no bringing him back.. do I even want him? yes and no.. I want the old life that we had, the life we were working for, the life that I thought we had. That dream is dead. Just as is my hope for him ever getting clean.