2 steps back... again...

 August 20, 2024

Today was a hard day. 

He was here last night doing the financial affidavits for the divorce. It took us 3 hours and by the time we were done, we were exhausted. but also- we are so used to each other and our comfort zones that I wanted him to stay.. I could tell he wanted to stay also.. I could tell things were going to happen and I didn't care- I wanted them to happen. I wanted to be close to him despite everything he had done to me and said to me. That is just how much control and power he holds over me. 

I went to bed in my bed and he started on the couch. It only took 1 hour before he came into my room saying the couch was uncomfortable. 

"Ok, you can sleep here," I acquiesced. 

It was only a matter of time with him in the bed with me before we were making love to each other. At least after this time he spoke to me nicely and with some heartfelt normalcy, not hatred and meanness. I already know that I can't tell anyone about this because I am embarrassed because I let him manipulate me and use me physically. He might not view it as manipulation but it is.. it creates emotions I can't handle. Dredges up my feelings and how I want to make things work. 

He finishes and instead of saying  " I love you" he says " I'm not doing that with anyone else, can we promise not to do this with each other if we are sleeping with other people?" I'm taken aback.. It's literally been 3 weeks since our 14 year relationship ended and he's already talking about the potential of sleeping with other people?? How is he there already? My heart breaks a little more. 

We lay there in each other's arms talking about the end of our relationship- this is the first time I actually tell him that I can't be with him and it will never work because I will never trust a word he says ever again. He has lied too many times and I can't trust a word... "I'm heading to Publix to go grocery shopping, do you need anything?" (Are you really going to Publix? I don't believe you) I can't live like that. 

I said I was sad it's over. I worked so hard to make things work but it just wouldn't work. He said he tried- in therapy- and for years.. I said he didn't really try- he lied throughout the whole therapy.. You can't be working on things if you aren't in recovery and if you're still lying. He is addicted to everything- lying included. I'm addicted to him and helping him. 

We fell asleep and the next morning woke up to take the kids to school. No sweet goodbyes, just "Bye". 

I found myself texting him more today- in general about the kids and podcasts I was listening to about the addicted mind- he is not receptive to my "help" or suggestions.. He talked to the kids at bedtime because I called him but he didn't come home, because he doesn't live here anymore. I don't know where he lives... his friend's couch?

I went to a NarAnon meeting tonight to get myself back on track- to remember that I can't enable the behaviors. I can't let him manipulate or get what he wants. To remember who he is- 2 people, the person and the addict.. last night was the person, last week was the addict. I can't live wondering which one is coming home to my house each night. Is it the addict and I'll be walking on eggshells all night and not know what to say because I'm afraid of his mood and reaction? Or will it be the person who has normal conversations with me, laughs with me, jokes with me, and flirts with me? It's the same face and body, but different brains and different hearts. 

I cried in the shower tonight.. sad that it is over with him and sad that I can't go back to him. I'm sad that a huge chunk of my life is over. As I told him last night,

"I've known you since I was 19.. I can't just not be around you and I can't end our friendship and life together for forever. I still have to see you for the rest of our life together because we have young kids together.. " I'm ending a 21 year friendship and relationship.. I'm ending who I am as an adult.