The Worst weekend!

 I cried all weekend. My kids kept saying "What's wrong, Mommy?! Get out of bed!! Stop crying!!" and then I would cry some more. I laid on my bed staring up at the ceiling, sobbing, and talking to my girlfriends on the phone. Hoping that my kids would find some food in the pantry and hoping my 7 year old could take care of my 3 year old for me. 

Something in me just knew on Friday that it was over and I couldn't do it. I looked at him Thursday night while he was sleeping. I thought "I will never trust this man again for the rest of my life. No matter what he says". I thought about looking through his phone for more evidence of lies- adultery? talking to women? more drug use that I'm not aware of? What else don't I know? ... I crept over to his side of the bed and as good of a sleeper as he is I still couldn't do it. I could not touch the phone.. I thought "there is no point in looking because I already know it is over and what is the point in looking so that I can be more mad? more hurt? " I know that phone holds a box of discovery, a box of revelations- but I don't care. I know it's over. 

There is no point. 

Somehow I fall asleep. I tell myself "I'll talk to him in the morning and he will just explain the sketchy purchases and it will all be ok". I literally tell myself that ridiculous lie. 

Saturday morning after the WORST day, he is at his friend's Hunter's house. He simply says "Send my spending money to Hunter." I think "oh wow! He is hanging out with Hunter? That is good news!! I hope Hunter gave him some good marriage advice!!" I didn't know that he was only there because Hunter's wife was out of town and he invited Joey over knowing drugs would happen... so Chris went over and they snorted coke all night long. Chris said such horrible things about me- he told Joey that I couldn't get over him in therapy and I only talked about the negative influence Joey had on my husband and why couldn't he include me or put me first? He talked shit about my mom.. and this talking shit about me to Joey- my #1 enemy- put me over the edge. It's one thing to fall out of love, or lie, or treat me poorly... but when you talk shit about me to your friends- you don't love me at all. 

I cried all day, not because he wouldn't talk to me or didn't want or had run away.. but because I knew it was over. I talked to my friends on the phone and told them my story I'd been hiding for so long. I told them the truth about the drugs, the lies, the verbal, mental, and emotional abuse.. They seemed to be relieved I was finally coming out of the darkness and the thick of things. They knew things had been bad for awhile but were finally happy that I was speaking out and done. 

I talked to my mother in law, my step daughter, my mom and sister. I was so glad I was finally sharing my story and getting it out- my concern was still for him.. I wanted him to get help and I wasn't going to be his support system anymore- I wanted his mom and daughter to know that if he started to spiral I wouldn't be able to catch him and he would go to them for money, help, and support and it was for drugs.