I am codependent - this is my addiction!

 I am codependent. I am addicted to codependency and dysfunctional relationships. wound ourselves- it allows people to survive physically but leaves them feeling dead and empty inside.  

Codependency is a defense system that causes us to 

I remember when I met Josh and his family that I thrived on his family's chaos. His family had all the chaos that none of mine did. 

We had it, we just didn't talk about it. 

Codependency  comes from an emotionally abusive environment with a narcissist being abusive, emotionally dishonest , when you are a young child. I didn't have the chance to learn to be emotionally honest or emotionally healthy? I didn't have that. We had to make my mom happy all the time- if we did something that made her unhappy we knew it and learned our lesson- she was "so disappointed in us". She was passive aggressive, didn't encourage us to show our feelings and emotions, and may have been a codependent herself which is why she had an intense need to control everyone and everything around her. I was not taught how to express my emotions, was encouraged to shove it down, ignore things and people that upset me, and I learned to make others happy. 

We were not an emotionally honest household- didn't express emotions or feelings, and I remember wanting to and trying to. Anytime I tried, I was met with an inability to communicate or "Why are you such a drama queen?" or "get over it!" This led to me having shame, low self esteem, no self worth, having no idea what I wanted or what my needs were- as a result I'm an adult that has no idea what my needs are or how to meet them. 

"Soul wounds do not heal if ignored. They continue to shape and govern our emotions, self- image and our ways of interacting in relationships, long beyond the childhood in which they were received. Shame does damage far beyond the original dysfunction because it is damage the wounded souls unintentionally continue to perpetrate on themselves. It is a kind of soul murder"

Was my mom codependent and repeated the pattern she saw her mom create? 

Then I'm following the pattern that was created for me? 

I need to break that pattern and break that mold. I can't have my kids be like this and have emotional invalidation.. I want to talk about emotions, validate their feelings, show them it's ok to have emotions and the full range- sadness, happiness, anxiety, nervous, love, irritation, anger, mad, joy, excitement. I strive to make things different for my kids- but how do I do it? 

the veil has been lifted and I see how others are blindly living in their issues.. I cant do that and blindly live in my issues- I need to break free!