Finding myself again

 I've been doing a lot of work on myself and my relationship with God along with my relationships with others.  As part of my anxious attachment and Codependency- I get to a point in every relationship, romantic or otherwise, where I get to the non-trusting point and very attached, unable to detach and disconnect.  In the romantic relationships, I don't trust the person even for small things, I latch on tightly due to the no trust, and it pushes the guy away. I first start out with an emotionally unavailable guy to begin with anyways.. so when he runs away and pushes away- its emotionally traumatic for me because it's like my life cant go on.. I'm addicted to the relationship, falling in love fast, and I'm mistaken as a romantic- but really that is codependent. I'm not sure how to make a real secure attachment and secure relationship- wouldn't even know how to begin?  When thinking about Chris specifically, as an Antisocial personality disorder- Sociopath- h...

 I am codependent. I am addicted to codependency and dysfunctional relationships. wound ourselves- it allows people to survive physically but leaves them feeling dead and empty inside.   Codependency is a defense system that causes us to  I remember when I met Josh and his family that I thrived on his family's chaos. His family had all the chaos that none of mine did.  We had it, we just didn't talk about it.  Codependency  comes from an emotionally abusive environment with a narcissist being abusive, emotionally dishonest , when you are a young child. I didn't have the chance to learn to be emotionally honest or emotionally healthy? I didn't have that. We had to make my mom happy all the time- if we did something that made her unhappy we knew it and learned our lesson- she was "so disappointed in us". She was passive aggressive, didn't encourage us to show our feelings and emotions, and may have been a codependent herself which is why she had an inten...

3 insecure attachment styles:  My Attachment style: Anxious- Preoccupied My youth:  Conditioned to us between 0-2 years old : this is when the attachment style is created/developed  grows up with a lot of warmth and care, but Core wounds,: I will be abandoned (I will abandon myself in order to please others) , I will be alone, I will be excluded, disliked, rejected, not good enough, not safe ; Trigger: when people pull away  Core needs: reassurance, validation, encouragement, support,  to be seen and heard certainty, and consistency. In order to heal: I need to repetitively give this stuff to myself now, by giving those things to myself I learn to self-soothe  Abandonment wounds, panic when partner pulls away- this pushes people away ; struggle with getting people to commit and stick around.  Don't communicate feelings, show emotions It's so difficult to self soothe, try to maintain closeness with others and physical touch is a primary love language....

 This past week he has come to the house every night to spend the night and stay. It felt like we were a married couple again, watching tv , sleeping in the same bed, and getting the kids ready for school. He only was coming b.c. he had nowhere else to stay. In the 6 weeks we've been separated he has not found another place to stay or live, I'm still paying for his car insurance and phone, and all his things are still here. He comes here and sleeps, we make love, and he leaves.. he comes and goes as he pleases doesn't say "I love you" and treats it like a hookup. I found this week that I was really hurting during the days when he wasn't here because with him being here in the evenings it was making me second guess the divorce.. It was making me question if I really needed to be separated from him. I miss him so much and I miss being a family- we are so good together and I'm not going to find another man that I have as long of a connection with .  I get sad...

 Today I am mad.  I'm mad that he abandoned us, walked away, gave up.  I'm mad that he isn't here to put his daughter to bed on the night before her first day of preschool.  I'm mad that he just ran away from responsibilities and being a grown up.  I'm mad that he gave up on me, our love, and our life together.  I'm mad that he gave up when the going got tough.  I'm mad that he didn't call his kids when they asked him to call.  I'm mad that he spends all his money on himself instead of on the family or me.  I'm mad that he cares so much about himself that there is no room to care for the rest of us.  I'm mad that he thought the best way to solve our relationship struggles was to internalize it, not share it, and fight it out inside himself.  I'm mad that we are not and have not been his priority.  I'm mad that he does whatever he wants, whenever he wants.  I'm mad that he doesn't care enough about us to stay.  I'm mad...

 I did the quiz on Attachmentproject.com and discovered that I'm an Anxious/preoccupied style of attachment. During the quiz I answered questions about my mom, dad, and Chris.  During which, I cried a good bit remembering how it felt like my dad always defended me and supported me against my siblings and mom who seemed to be making fun of me. or at least it felt that way.  My dad died and I felt really abandoned ... I thought for a long time that no one would understand me or support and defend me.  My result is that I'm Anxious/preoccupied.  What does it mean to be anxious/preoccupied? The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is one of the three insecure forms of attachment (anxious, avoidant, and disorganized). The anxious/preoccupied attachment style is characterized by: An inconsistent formative period which leads to low self-esteem and low self worth. Constant need for external validation and reassurance from others in an attempt to prove themselves worthy ...

" Dr Jekyll is  a kind, well-respected and intelligent scientist who meddles with the darker side of science, as he wants to bring out his 'second' nature . He does this through transforming himself into Mr Hyde - his evil alter ego who doesn't repent or accept responsibility for his evil crimes and ways." They even knew back then in the 1880s that there were dualistic personalities that were totally polar opposites.   Today I experienced the Person, not the addict. Dr. Jekyl. He was cooperative, informative, sent me pictures and updates about the kids, and didn't sleep until 5pm on the couch while my 3 year old watched tv all day long. (She still watched tv all day long.. just not while he was sleeping the whole time..)  Just yesterday he was the cold hearted and mean addict who abandoned his family. Today- the Person. It's too much flip flopping. It's just too much. I have to shield my kids from this behavior- even if I have to lie to protect them . ...

Does he have a monthly cycle? It's been almost a month since he had his last drug binging weekend where he was a complete jerk to me, ran away, and broke up with me. After that, things kind of subsided and we have been seemingly co-parenting nicely together.. until now.  This weekend was bad.  I had a really rough time emotionally and I cried a lot.  Abby came to visit for the week on Thursday. I asked if she could take the kids to their dance classes so I could go to my Nar-Anon meeting. She did that and got the kids in bed. When I got back we chatted about all the stuff that has been going on. He hasn't talked to her about anything that has been going on- he obviously knows that she knows about the separation and divorce because it's been a month and she is visiting us. He hasn't talked to her, he never told her, and he messaged her 3x in the last month asking how she was doing- fishing for her to ask and check on him, but never volunteering the information himself....

 I cried all weekend. My kids kept saying "What's wrong, Mommy?! Get out of bed!! Stop crying!!" and then I would cry some more. I laid on my bed staring up at the ceiling, sobbing, and talking to my girlfriends on the phone. Hoping that my kids would find some food in the pantry and hoping my 7 year old could take care of my 3 year old for me.  Something in me just knew on Friday that it was over and I couldn't do it. I looked at him Thursday night while he was sleeping. I thought "I will never trust this man again for the rest of my life. No matter what he says". I thought about looking through his phone for more evidence of lies- adultery? talking to women? more drug use that I'm not aware of? What else don't I know? ... I crept over to his side of the bed and as good of a sleeper as he is I still couldn't do it. I could not touch the phone.. I thought "there is no point in looking because I already know it is over and what is the point i...

 August 20, 2024 Today was a hard day.  He was here last night doing the financial affidavits for the divorce. It took us 3 hours and by the time we were done, we were exhausted. but also- we are so used to each other and our comfort zones that I wanted him to stay.. I could tell he wanted to stay also.. I could tell things were going to happen and I didn't care- I wanted them to happen. I wanted to be close to him despite everything he had done to me and said to me. That is just how much control and power he holds over me.  I went to bed in my bed and he started on the couch. It only took 1 hour before he came into my room saying the couch was uncomfortable.  "Ok, you can sleep here," I acquiesced.  It was only a matter of time with him in the bed with me before we were making love to each other. At least after this time he spoke to me nicely and with some heartfelt normalcy, not hatred and meanness. I already know that I can't tell anyone about this because I ...

 July 26th, 2024 Today was the WORST day. My husband broke up with me through an actual text message and I saw him for who he is. I saw him for the addict that he is and realized the man that I thought that I married is no longer there. Was he ever there? I don't know.. it was all a lie. How much was a lie? I don't even know.  It's been building for awhile but I've been doing everything in my power to deny the reality of the situation and keep it all going - keep our marriage and family floating. I didn't really know what was going on beneath his surface- beneath all the lies of who he truly is.  Last night I saw the bank account- I saw all the money that had been blown on drugs in just the past year alone. I saw the money spent on sex sites, at poker rooms, and large amounts just gone- down the drain. I didn't see a dime of it. Not one dinner date, not one movie, not one thing of flowers. All while I was busy having cancer, raising his chiledren, and breastfeed...

How to heal from a relationship with an addict?  I have PTSD and have shrapnel. This is how to dig the shrapnel out:  The wounds that are left behind and the recovery plan to help me be happy healthy and ready to move forward.  CISTER: the shrapnel that was left behind. The Deep 6 wounds that are left behind.  C- Control  I have turned into a control freak and worried about the recovery, stalking about the recovery, scheduling, paying for things, taking care of everything.  To heal I need to Live in the middle way- my sweet spot - between what I can control and what I can't control. What is my stuff and what is your stuff?  There are certain things I have no control of- like the addiction, his choices.  There are certain things I DO have control over: like my reactions and what I say. My involvement in the recovery.  Look at my control issues? How do they show up for me?  It is not easy to get control of this.  I- Identity I have an...

If you do one of these 5 things, you should break up with and addict:  1. I am waiting for THE BIG THING that tells me it is time to go. It justifies me leaving.  You don't need to justify your desire to leave a situation where you're being hurt continually - whether they know it or not. They are still doing these things- which is enough to want to exit.  You have a blackbelt in bullshit.   2. You're waiting for a change. You are only going to be with them if they are going to be sober for the rest of their lives.. It doesn't work like that. Recovery doesn't work like that. If you're going to stay- you're marrying the person and the addict for forever.  If they are going to be like this for forever are you ok with that? If the answer is no- then you need to go.  If I'm saying I only want to be with a sober person, I need to leave.  3. If you're strategizing, manipulating, trying to control this person to fix it- you need to leave. You can NOT control...